#21: The Indescribable, Described
Personal update
I’ve thought about how to phrase this for weeks. I’ve thought long and hard about the lines between personal and workplace traditions, the home, the office, professionalism… and I’ve reached the conclusion that for the big ticket items in life, there is simply no way to prevent them all crossing over into one another, and that to try, to really try, to prevent yourself being impacted by certain events, is not only doomed to fail, it will be injurious in the long run.
I haven’t posted recently because, a month ago, I lost my older brother unexpectedly. He was 36. I’ve agonised about when, and how, and if I should share his passing, and my associated grief on a professional platform. There will be those who think I shouldn’t, that it muddies the waters, makes others uncomfortable, crosses boundaries about keeping emotion out of the workplace.
My own introspection has led me to the decision that trying to prevent his influence, his impact on my life, from reaching my professional space, is impossible. More than that, I am in the process of trying to give back to the community that raised me (and beyond) by creating an artistic work, a videogame, that will give an insight into my world and life as a trans person, and my brother is the source of all of my love for games. He gave that to me when he and I were young. His unconditional support for me was only equalled by the other members of my family. He is an integral part of my story that cannot be separated from me, or my experience of life. To shield those who know me professionally from how much I loved him would be to do every one of us a disservice, to deny the fundamental building blocks that make up a society that cares for one another - compassion, empathy, love, loss. The people around us are, in one way or another, ultimately the driving force for us to do good in the world. When someone is a source for you in this way, I do not believe that it is wrong to share that fact, and to graciously acknowledge the chasm that their absence will leave. He will never be gone from me, or my life, despite the fact that he is no longer here with me.
Today, about 5 weeks on, this is all I can manage. Love those around you. Don’t just think it - tell them. The old adage rings true; you never know how many more tomorrows there will be to say it.
I will attempt to resume my regular programming when I can. I have things to share, but cannot yet bring myself to do so.
My love goes out to you all.
